What I Wore to My Divorce
I was a new stay-at-home mother when my husband told me he didn’t want to be married anymore. That’s the day I stopped breathing. And I pretty much stopped eating too. The heartbreak killed my appetite and although I did take a breath again, any vestige of postpartum weight soon disappeared. Any other time, I would have reveled in my new svelteness and beauty.
The court date for the final divorce hearing arrived a mere three months after his leave-taking. He filed Cruel and Abusive Treatment in order to obtain the quicker date. The judge asked my soon-to-be ex if his petite wife had hit him with a rolling pin or something.
I agonized over what I should wear for that day. It was still a time when women wore stockings and pumps and dressed for anything civic as well as work and travel. I knew I would be “formal” that day but I was afraid that whatever I selected to put on my back would have to be thrown out because of garment-karma or that my outfit will hold a tainted memory of the sad event. And money being suddenly tight, I could could not afford to do that.
I remembered a film I had once seen. The man in the movie confided to a friend that it was “painfully difficult to see my wife in court in black and pearls”. If I chose to wear my black angora sweater with the collar and pearl buttons, “Would I wear it again?”, I asked myself. The sweater fit beautifully over a knife-pleated wool skirt along with simple black patent leather pumps and dark stockings. I added the pearl bracelet he gave me for Christmas the year before and curled my hair.
My mother and I were to meet at the hotel across the street from the courthouse the morning of the divorce. When I turned the corner around a large pillar in the hotel lobby, I saw her sitting in a chair with her back to me. Over her shoulder, I could see that she was writing something on a piece of paper with her famous blue pencil. My daughter’s name was scribbled vertically over and over and she was writing out the words to a beautiful old prayer that I knew from childhood. She turned and looked me up and down. Her sad eyes met mine. “You look lovely”, she said. And as difficult as that day was, I felt lovely too and strangely calm and peaceful. And my mother then did something unexpected: she thrust a recent baby picture of my daughter into the palm of my hand. “Remember her”, she then said, “and stay strong”.
It wasn’t as bad as I thought and I found that the same judge from the initial hearing was sympathetic to me again. All the terms my attorney laid out – child support, alimony, the selling of our beautiful home, and even future college and orthodontia bills were agreed upon. This was an expensive divorce for both of us. For him, it was the money with which he had to part to see it over quickly and easily. For me, it was the Cost of Love which exacts its price in grief, that painful emotion that veers between agony and fear. But my simple and chic outfit carried that day at least and I remember I lifted my head higher when my mother and I, on the side of angels, deftly descended the courthouse steps in the late afternoon sunshine. We had a bittersweet lunch together before I headed home to make lists in between tears that came as surely as the divorce decree landed in the mailbox later that month.
It is often said that clothes make the man. Well, they make the woman too.
My sweater was worn frequently after the divorce. Once or twice for job interviews and later as a cozy accompaniment to my favorite soft and worn jeans on the day I finally moved from the home that once meant so much to me. If the sweater held any karma from the sad day of my divorce, it was empowering karma. Clothes make the woman. I have no doubt…
14 Comments
Margaret Powling
So glad I read this, Donna, and I’m sure that looking your very best on such a day gave you the confidence you need just as much as the photograph your mother pushed into your hand.
I’m sure that having the right clothes at the right time does help us. By no means as stressful as your divorce court hearing, I remember when I took my driving test. It was in January 1971 and in those days we did wear stockings or tights (pantihose) and smart clothes even for such events. So I decided to wear a matching dress and coat which my mother had given me, it was very smart in pale turquoise with hands of coffee around the hem of the dress. I did my hair and makeup carefully, and felt and looked good. This certainly gave me confidence when I got into the car and yes, I passed my driving test first time. Had I gone in jeans and jumper I’m sure I’d not have felt half as confident, I looked smart and grown up and acted that way, feeling truly in charge of the vehicle and not a novice learner out for a practice drive.
Thank you for sharing this episode in your life with us and how lovely you went on to use that jumper/sweater many times after your divorce.
A Lovely Inconsequence
I love your story Margaret! But what is Hands of Coffee that was around the hem? Hope you are faring well over in England.
Karen
Not apropos to this piece, but just to say I am reading and re-reading your post from last January 2019 “Things Said in Winter”. I love all the cozy, peaceful and soul-restoring tips you share and am loving and living the ideas of citrus, jelly coloured lipstick, winter pastels, flowers, movies, hats, coffee shops and sustaining music. I hope your 2020 winter is going very well too, following your own best suggestions. Here’s to spring, but savouring winter! xo karen
A Lovely Inconsequence
Thank you soooo much Karen!
gayle
beautifully written, I felt the pain and the resolve.
John
Donna
A very eloquent and moving post. It reveals a warm heart and inner beauty that shines through whatever your outfit of choice was that day.
John M.
LA CONTESSA
BRAVA!
YOU MADE IT THROUGH AND LOOKED DAM GOOD DOING IT!
I CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE THE PAIN of what you have been through!
Does your daughter have a relationship with her FATHER TODAY?
MY parents divorced when I was 12.MY mother made me go to the courthouse!
NOT A FUN DAY………..XX
Beth M.
I enjoyed this post so much, and agree that the right outfit for the right occasion never fails to make a difference. Difficult occasions call for extra diligence, and yours seems to have paid off quite nicely. Kudos! I have not posted this comment already and do not understand why I cannot post it.
Beth M.
I enjoyed this post so much, and agree that the right outfit for the right occasion never fails to make a difference. Difficult occasions call for extra diligence, and yours seems to have paid off quite nicely. Kudos!
Lyn
What I wore when I was told I had serious cancer and what I wore for subsequent treatment all went to charity as fast as I could get it out of the house. I never wear anything I cannot give away immediately when I go to medical appointments. My sisters think this is odd ……….
But I agree it is very important to wear the right clothes for divorce. I advised my sister what to wear, in circumstances like yours although she had 3 young little children, and it worked out well for her dignity and for her settlement. Judges sees male behavior every day; they are not stupid. It is to be hoped that there is some fairness in the world. I think your mother is wonderful also.
Donna Nance
Amazing, touching post! I can just see you and your mother going through this experience. You are a strong and lovely woman.
Lola
I love your writing style and find this post especially touching.
Elizabeth
Thanks for sharing how you acted and how it came out…funny thing about clothes, but indeed there are affects from what happens when we are wearing those certain ones. Being the marriages of 2 of my kids was or shortly came to be, a sad time for me/us…those dresses were given away, never to be worn again. Another eventful occasion in my life I found the most gorgeous top at a thrift shop for only $5…just on the eve of that event a dreadful thing came to be…so after I wore the top for the event as planned, being it was so cheap, I found it oh so easy to throw it away…hopefully to never be worn by anyone else. But I can see how something like you faced, what you wore (with at least the best result that you could have in court) might make you feel empowered in a way…
I am sorry you ever had such a terrible thing to go through, and just after having a baby even…a most vulnerable time for a woman!! I have watched one of my dear daughters go through divorce now 2 times. How I wish I/we could somehow have spared her those times. She is a strong woman however and is going forth making a good life for herself.
Ann
Happy New Year – We were away for the holidays with little access to internet, so I just read all of the Christmas posts, and then your latest. What a beautiful, sad, lovely, uplifting post. You put your feelings into words so well…and I am sure this post will help so many others with difficult times in life. Blessings to you in 2020 and always.